Everybody asked the same question. A countless number of times, she mumbled the used dull words: "I'm fine, I'm OK". I think some of them actually believed it.
She was in fact fine, she was even OK too. But what did it mean to her, to lie to everybody's faces? Why did she feel she had to pretend her mind was clear from all the trouble?
Every day was the same, she completed the routine thoroughly. The basics. Eating, teeth washing, bathing. Every thing that came after was a consequence of what she couldn't let go of.
I used to watch this girl from afar. I followed her on her long walks in the heart of city. I heard the music pumping inside her; she used music in an effort to find a release in it. Some times it did work, but she was only able to feel it for a second. Her walks seemed endless, truth is, they really were endless. She didn't keep track of anything around her, because it was her mind doing the walking. Always being unable to control her thoughts, the girl just kept letting her consciousness stroll through the whenever and the whatever. She was only looking for an answer. There were so many unaswered questions lying inside of her. So on she went, walking even when she was lying in bed.
I worried for her. Seeing this, once happy and full of life of a girl, let herself being eaten away by a demon. A demon she created, a demon that tore her heart from the inside because she made space for it to eat, sleep and hang out in there. I wanted to help her. So many times I felt like screaming at her, tell her that she was better than that, tell her she couldn't continue letting herself being eaten away by something that was already dead and gone. My voice just didn't want to let itself be heard, I guess. Screams came out as whispers and whispers didn't even reach her. It was as if she was sorrounded by fog, nothing entered and nothing came out. Words and embraces just got caught in the way and dissolved into nothingness.
So I kept watching, never losing her out of my sight. Knowing that every smile on her face was just an attempt of keeping those around her in disbelief of her true colors. Only I was able to see her soul was painted black, as dark as a night without moonlight. How I wished to fill the hole in her heart, that kept the demon thriving. Truth is, there was nothing I could do. Just wished time would heal her and kept on following. Days filled with pain and sorrow went by. Weeks and months felt like years. The girl let herself be blinded by meaningless words, which kept her hanging on to a silk string. Only she was unable to see the truth.
Until finally, in one of those really cold but sunny winter days she realized how much she'd been lying to herself. It took all of her to cut the string. After all, she'd built a castle, it was hard to just stump on it and forget about all the effort and time she dedicated to perfect it. I told her that no matter how hard you try, sometimes what you're building just isn't right for you and as long as you realize it, it doesn't matter if you have to tear it to pieces. And slowly but steady, the day came. Like having an outer body experience, she was able to watch herself from above. For the first time in many years the girl was back on the pedestal she belonged to and from it, she took the biggest leap she could and stumped on the castle. She wrestled with it, every punch made a tear fall from her eyes, every punch felt like a stab in her heart. When the last piece of it was about to be torn apart, she stopped and watched as bits and pieces of her life flashed through her mind in slow motion. It was beautiful. The last punch was drawn, the castle was gone forever and for the first time in a long while, the girl smiled alone. Suddenly she felt stronger than ever and so she laughed and laughed letting herself be heard on the other side of the world.
I couldn't be happier for her. After all that time worrying for her sanity and well being, she'd finally woken up and realized there was only one way to live: by treasuring herself like she always deserved. All our lives, we will build castles, some bigger, some smaller and that's just how it goes; we need to fill ourselves with hopes and dreams. Sometimes the castles will burn down and in time, we will just laugh about it. We will be thankful for what they gave us and then go on and start building a new one, never knowing how long it will stay untouched. Just keep on learning, keep on growing, keep on living.
We are the ones who choose to take the left or the right side from the path.
Until finally, in one of those really cold but sunny winter days she realized how much she'd been lying to herself. It took all of her to cut the string. After all, she'd built a castle, it was hard to just stump on it and forget about all the effort and time she dedicated to perfect it. I told her that no matter how hard you try, sometimes what you're building just isn't right for you and as long as you realize it, it doesn't matter if you have to tear it to pieces. And slowly but steady, the day came. Like having an outer body experience, she was able to watch herself from above. For the first time in many years the girl was back on the pedestal she belonged to and from it, she took the biggest leap she could and stumped on the castle. She wrestled with it, every punch made a tear fall from her eyes, every punch felt like a stab in her heart. When the last piece of it was about to be torn apart, she stopped and watched as bits and pieces of her life flashed through her mind in slow motion. It was beautiful. The last punch was drawn, the castle was gone forever and for the first time in a long while, the girl smiled alone. Suddenly she felt stronger than ever and so she laughed and laughed letting herself be heard on the other side of the world.
I couldn't be happier for her. After all that time worrying for her sanity and well being, she'd finally woken up and realized there was only one way to live: by treasuring herself like she always deserved. All our lives, we will build castles, some bigger, some smaller and that's just how it goes; we need to fill ourselves with hopes and dreams. Sometimes the castles will burn down and in time, we will just laugh about it. We will be thankful for what they gave us and then go on and start building a new one, never knowing how long it will stay untouched. Just keep on learning, keep on growing, keep on living.
We are the ones who choose to take the left or the right side from the path.
